Gammon

dear fishy,
i doubt that you’ll ever see this.  but i want to thank you for showing me something that i didn’t know existed:  that one person can make a difference.  You made my life better.  I liked not sweating the little things because i knew you’d be there.  i miss you.  i miss us.  that is all. …for now.

i believe that I’ll end up where I’m supposed to be.  I believe that this jittery and general uneasiness I have at the moment will go away.  I believe that eventually it won’t bother me at all that i got that mark.  Someday.  Someday.  Someday.  Someday, I’ll look back on this and laugh.  Someday, (pardon my flawed logic) I’ll accept my excuses to be truths.  As long as I get into 2nd year… that’s how the story goes.  Breath and breath I try to ease the anxiousness of my body to move or express …something (i don’t know what exactly).  Breathe.  I just want to move on right now.  There are times to live and learn, this isn’t one of them.  HA..live and learn.  why did i just say that? i’m a hypocrite.  I never learn.  HAHAHA oh wow…i jsut remembered why i didn’t drop that course sooner»>cuz i thought somehow this xourse would help me understand learning..or my learning. ..Yeah, that didn’t happen.  I learned that it helps to study..but then i remembered how i have no clue how to study…asdifjsa.  breathe.  breathe.  Why am i here? why haven’t i died once yet.  given so many chances that i feel undersiving of, i wonder why.  breath.  flashback to the times driving and rushing to go somewhere and thinking of the multiple times i almost got T-boned cuz i was rushing.  asdjfadsfp.  breathe.  hmm..what am i really trying to say here (fuck my ability to express myself0.  nop since i’m pretty sure thinking aobut htis will bother me a bit too much and put me into a dark train of thought.  where each combination/connection leads to a darker, depper one.  and the deepr i go the more i feel my soul.  the more helples si feel.  the more i feel my body ache.  the more i wonder why i’m here.  the more i wonder what if any purpose this has.  the moment where i don’t regret asking the world to give me every experience possible.  braethe.  breathe.  i still don’t know why i’m here.  and usually following this thought is the one that goes “if i was dead…or if i died» would anybody care?”   breath.  breath.  i need a distraction.  breath.  i wonder how bad it is to keep procrastinating these thoughts and avoiding them.  breath.  no solution in sight.  breath.  i dont’ know if this will ever get better.  breath.  i know i’m imperfect andw ill never be close to being perfect.  breath.  breath.  mususe cliche.  breath.  breath. don’t say “fml” cuz it’s overused (or used to be).  breathe.  loneliness.  breathe.  run.  breath»imaginary vision.  breath.  try to get a song stuck in my head and fail miserably cuz my trains of thought override and wash out that song like a hurricane.  breath.  breath…i don’t know how to spell breathorisitbreathe?  ajsofipaf

i was going to type out a random rant about how dealing with arranging works shifts at christmas time and work in general is distracting me and taking me down a confusing train of connections to end up at an undesirable place.  but instead, ill just get to the annoying, often repeated/implied Point:  i dislike my life.  and becuz i don’t know what to say.  i feel like posing teh question:  what if someday (as in “someday things will get better”) never comes?

dear comm 101,

i should have ignored my case 3 mark.  i have a soci final tomorrow but you’re going to be on my mind for the next few hours.  i should probably study.  but instead ill just be thinking about how i should have dropped your ass.  can i say one good thing about you today?  fine one.  that you brought me closer to a bunch of people.  other than that..not too sure.  i mean in the long term, if you turn out to be something that persuades me to get out of business to find the place where i belong…then maybe ill give you kudos (if that place makes me euphorically happy).  til then.  ill be waiting fo ryou to be a thorn in my ass yet again with my reflective paper mark.  and to think» i actually need you comm 101 to bail out my psych 207 mark. … *sigh

UGH stupid English research paper.  It has secretly been one of my innermost desires to be good at English.  Or at least, feel like I’m good at English.  To rid myself of that feeling of incompetence and confusion when it comes to the flippin subject.  Okay, yes I am overexaggerating.  It was not an near and dear to my heart as other things.  But it still made it up onto my bucket list.  And if important things that move my heart and soul made up the first tier, then English would’ve been at the top of the second tier.  It was the most important, tangible goal I could think of. 

But no.  of course I went and got a C+ on my research paper.  Sure I deserve it cuz I sounded like a dick in my paper and talked about how human identity is constructed through brands.  Sure it made me sound like I thought sauder kids were elitists.  Sure it probably doesn’t deserve a better mark because it was so biased.  But gah..i just wish I had a better mark lol. 

this is me promising to myself that i will stick out 2 years in bcom. 

epiphany: “i want to be a perfect student” (in theory/ in terms of the process of being a perfect student)

unfortunately my most recent epiphany has put me in a “sad, im completely hopeless..i wish i could fts” sort of mood.  This is mostly because oh fuck»i want to be perfect which = Im so fucked/ in over my head/ set up for disappointment/ im going to get depressed every time i think about this unconsciously/ maybe i should just crawl up and die.  i’m not really surprised though because this revelation answers why im so fixated on efficiency and why it makes me kinda sour whenever i realize how inefficient im being.  *sigh

for some stupid reason inside of me» i feel like i can be that perfect person (even if i got like 50% all the way» it woukldn’t hurt that much compared to avg 71 % imperfectly). 

i miss only wanting one thing out of the next few years… = (

i find myself wondering why i was dealt this hand in life because right now, i doubt that im even worthy of it.  As i begin to comprehend the opportunity within my reach, i ponder whether or not it’s all just a waste. 

*sigh.  i know that there are many ppl who i could talk to about this stuff»but i’d really feel like i was just wasting their time…so that’s why i ended up here. ha…ha……ha……………   my apologies tumblr

Sad to say  but i miss the olden times back when I felt like I had some control over myself.  What do I mean? I mean I miss being able to have some control over my mood, morale, ‘heart’ because more and more often I find myself in one of my least favourite spaces: a frozen daze. 

In this daze, I zone out from the present which, when you’re zoning out away from dreadful work, is usually an okay thing, but now however, i’m escaping the present material tasks to enter a helpless episode where I am suddenly more aware of my surroundings (such as my laundry machine or my sister talking about her hwk) and am constantly being stuck by lashes of doubt as I wonder if I’ll ever get out of this, if I’m even capable of doing anything about this.  Unfortunately, my optimism is for naught, while i succumb to the stifling, static, still that fills the present.  those old times where i used to just fear being like this and being consumed»>i miss those days